Monday, October 25, 2010

Co-Ed Golf

You have no idea how many golfing euphemisms,  or remarks, battle cries, or epithets have to do with male genitalia, female anatomy, or any other generally sexual subject matter that presents an offense to women.  Unless, that is...you've played in a golf tournament with women.

I had not...before recently.

Twice now, in the span of a month, I have ventured upon the battlefield of the fairways, rough, beach, waves and greens, with the opposite sex.

Oh, my grand good fellows of the links... good, bad, or ugly - I must confide in you that I have mostly thought of myself as a decent man...but I lie to myself...a lot.

This past tournament was played with a buddy of mine, and two wives / moms / female...she human types, from my children's school.  We had a great time.  The two ladies, whom we played with, or that were in our foursome-  see what I mean...you can't describe it...I'm soooo not a decent man.

"Stick that [#@$%] on the green!"
"Ram that [@#$$!] into the hole!"
"Stop putting like a [woman, granma, your wife, my daughter]"  {I actually said this one during a round}
"You sure nutted that one!" {what does that even mean?}
"Nice poke!"

All of these phrases, in my mind, represented danger zones for our little group.  Although, we did discuss this topic amongst beers and decided that we should do this foursome thing again sometime.  [I should be locked away]

Hit it straight and long my friends...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Oh the names of the opposite sex: political correctness or insanity

What dictates a proper term for referring to a female today?

Woman, Ms, Mrs, Lady, Slut, Whore, Bitch...all of these names are acceptable in a proper context and used by females to describe themselves at times.

One of my favorite blogs sports a T-shirt, written by a woman, that touts, "Shut Your Whore Mouth!".

I'm really trying to help us males out here, though it might not seem like it...all you golfers out there, so that when you show up at your next tee time, you can appropriately address the she-human in your group without taking a 4 iron up side the head.

My problem, focuses on the fact that women redesign their emotional courses on a regular, or frequent irregular, basis.  Some are straight ahead par 5's...focusing on length and accuracy (in an emotional sense).  Others have quirky little dog legs that are difficult to navigate in the stress of the moment...yet others have awkward carries that require short shots followed by long shots, to stay out of trouble.  Bunkers are well placed and unexpectedly   found in the middle of the fairway.  Others have waste areas, lateral hazards and cobra snake pits placed around the greens.  Yet other women are satisfied with being the occasional par 3...

On the subject of the par 3...

Easy to look at, but curiously deceptive, the female par 3, often found in the business world, is best approached in a straight-forward manner.  Try and get cute on a par 3 over a small lake, and you quickly find out that those waters are filled with alligators anxiously awaiting your hasty approach.

Much...much, I tell you, oh lord of the links, can be learned from a caddy.  Priceless, on the course of the she-human.  My caddy happens to be my wonderful bride...who gently poses a gentle 495 yard par 3 over Mt. St. Helens.  She is, however, an excellent caddy.  I'd be a total hack in life without her trusty guidance.

You need a caddy.

Even Tiger Woods listens to Stevie once in a while, when standing over a difficult shot or putt.

I've sort of gotten away from the simplistic topic, but I'm running with it as best I can.

If you are a total Cad, you can get way over par in a hurry, just by referring to a woman in a manner that is not proper, or well received.  A caddy can help you understand in what circumstances that a proper reference to a woman can be made...and it is generally learned from women....and not from men.

In the middle of a late charge, on Sunday, it is good to remember....


  1. You need to assess the situation properly...Par 5, 4, or 3...and eye closely the hazards involved on the course.  They may not be as straight forward as they seem.
  2. You need a caddy.  Pro golfers are not total dolts...which is why Fluff and Fannie have been on the circuit for so long...there's no substitute for a good caddy in life.  Find a good one...shut up...and listen.
As for me...  She-human works good for now...I'm sure it will be adjusted as my caddy reads this and gets back to me. 

Hit it solid and keep your head down.